Swine flu. Run for my life!
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Alive.
So much puke
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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