a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Randomize
