I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
