so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I forget how to act sober
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
