Who wears a wallet chain?!
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
