If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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