There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
