What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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