I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
