Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
