I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
