If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
