Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
