I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
