I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
