I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
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