the condom got lost in my hair
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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