I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Randomize
