walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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