so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
