I've blown a few things in my day
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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