I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
