yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
