I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
