Screwed.edu
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
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