Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
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