she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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