my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
