Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
