Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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