I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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