When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
