I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
