made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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