I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
