I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
