i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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