Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
