Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
