erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
