Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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