You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
