My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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