I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
