The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
