I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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