Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
