Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
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