White coat. Heels.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
