upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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