Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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