just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
