I just cut my nipple shaving
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
