this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
accomplished twins. life is a go
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
He? As in you personified your dick?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
