We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
sarcasm needs its own font
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
